12.31.2008

12.29.2008

"do you want to try a bite of what i'm eating? it's very good."
"smell this! it smells good."
"want a chocolate?"

if i say these things to a female, she usually complies.
if i say these things to a male, he will usually refuse my offer.

sometimes i get undressed with the blinds open. not intentionally, i just kind of forget. i doubt anyone would recognize me on the street. 

last night i was at home for fifteen minutes before going to mt. royal tavern to meet a coworker and some of her friends.

it was one of her friends' 21st birthday. that friend kept calling me pretty all night, and saying she wanted to talk to me because i was pretty. i wasn't sure if i was supposed to say "thank you!" or "not as pretty as you!" or "no i'm not" so i think i used each of those things as responses at different times. 

my coworker and i were "talking buddies" for most of the night. i felt warm and satisfied feelings, and like i was "succeeding at being liked by strangers" and "making new friends and becoming better friends". 

when the bar closed, they let us take our drinks with us. they bought six packs and gin at the bar. we walked back to the friend's house, the friend kept stumbling and falling down. there were seven of us. my zipper was broken.

the friend and her boyfriend live in a very large, beautiful rowhouse, and have a black kitten named batman. the friend was very drunk and we all took care of her, kind of. i remember being in her bed with my coworker and we were hugging or cuddling or something. from the way alcohol was slowing everything down, it felt like living in an extended posed picture moment. 

my coworker and i tried to think of a handshake but we couldn't. 

we all went downstairs and played ten fingers. i've never had buttsex or done acid. i forget what else everyone was saying. i think some of the people didn't want to play towards the end, but we were all enthusiastic about it at the beginning. there was an obese girl who reminded me of musical theater people. 

the friend's boyfriend walked me to my car. there was someone sleeping in a recliner in a room lit by christmas lights. the living room or foyer i think. 

12.26.2008

daily food intake of roseanne arnold

banana
1/2 slice cold papa john's cheese pizza
spinach artichoke chicken lean pocket
orange
handful caramel corn
two caramel chew candies
three fire roasted tomato triscuts with trader joe's garlic hummus
one small wafer cookie thing
one half pita with hummus
probably 7 fat free ruffles potato chips dipped in clam dip
a forkful of beef stroganoff
steamed baby spinach
1/8 of a mango
two triscuits thin crisps dipped in hummus
three small pickles
two spoonfuls of cranberry sauce
probably a tablespoon of cashews


coffee
water
tea






12.18.2008

here is what happened:

i went to the gym at 5 to meet with my personal trainer woman. she is 23, from north carolina, and we probably hung out with different crowds in high school.

i listened to joy division and baltimore club music, ran for 45 minutes, did ab stuff, went to a yoga class, drove home.

stood in front of my refrigerator for about four minutes before deciding on making spinach/mushroom risotto with shrimp and asparagus.

did that.

went out to get white wine.

got back and my fucking cat ate my asparagus

whatever

ate everything, watched "friends" on t.v., got a little tipsy.

decided to take out the trash, clean out the fridge, and sanitize my kitchen.

did that.

have been watching dumb and dumber on tbs, getting more drunker, petting my cats, and am about to finish two art projects.

it's okay.

being here is okay.

i feel almost not completely depressed anymore.

i feel medium depressed.

last night i did art, watched the darjeeling limited, got stoned, looked at the internet, masturbated, and fell asleep.

today i did nothing except for what i just described. most of today i was inside, sitting quietly.

this is my space in the world i guess. whatever whatever. whatever.

12.15.2008

i have a normal looking female body, i think. it used to be pretty skinny, like size four skinny, but now it's "normal", about size six or eight. i'm crazy.

it's a female body charlie kaufman or noah baumbach would want a character to have in one of their movies to look "authentic" or "real", to set them apart from big studio movies. that makes me feel good and kind of elitist. but it also makes me wonder about my attractiveness.

i don't like thinking these thoughts, but i haven't thought of thoughts to replace them yet, and i don't even really think it works that way.

i think these pants make me look like a seal. not in a fat way, in a dark blue and smooth way. i think if the word "seal" were a color it would be indigo. i'm crazy.

12.04.2008

Frankenstein craigslist posting

I would love to have an actual conversation with someone, anyone really. I am happily attached but there is only so much you can do with your man. I'm a good conversationalist and i Usually break into laughter at jokes. I AM A HUGE STEVE PERRY FAN HIS MUSIC HAS ALWAYS TOUCHED MY HEART. I would like to barter my mr. handyman skills for your cleaning skills. The ladies I know are great people but none can dance well. I like to talk about religion, spirituality, politics, cooking, camping, music, movies, etc. I need to make $600 if you have any job ideas that'll help me raise money let me know. I have mastered knowing what pukes up easier, and how to get hard to reach stuff out.

u gotta be sexy and in shape. You whisper "deeper" and "faster", but you're still asleep. I guess your dream involves tasting my hard cock right now. you should be comfortable in gay clubs, even sleeping in the same bed (of course without sex!!). No racial preferences. A group of 4 - 6 people will be great. if you are a good person then we should get along just find.

So, if you're a Dexter addict like me and would like to hang out and have a fun time, let's get together and watch Dexter together. If you are a gal who likes to actively sail and knows her jib from her jibe, her sheet from her halyard, write to me and let’s get to know a little about each other before Spring. Hit me up, and we'll "get blunted".

I have posted before and although I have received several responses, it never seems to go anywhere. Just a lot of emailing back and forth.
I'm watching the Rachel Zoe show right now. I haven't watched reality t.v. for a long time. Reality t.v. takes itself so seriously. I think the words/phrases that are most frequent on reality t.v. are "just", "god", "I mean", "hard", "understand".

Imagining my life as a reality show is really funny to me.

There would be dramatic close-ups of me looking out the window and talking to myself, saying things like, "I just don't know." The sky would be grey. "I just don't want to go outside today."

My "confessional" moments where it's just me talking directly to the camera would be saying things like, "I couldn't decide if I wanted to have half of a cantaloupe or cereal or both. I spent over fifty seconds thinking about it. God. It's just so ----ing hard sometimes."

Then there would be a shot of me looking in the mirror. There would be a voiceover: "even though I have a lot of clothes, sometimes nothing feels right." Then I would take off all my clothes and lie down and there would be Gaussian blurs on my private parts.

There would be a shot of me lying on my couch and Alvie, my grey cat, curled up in my armpit. "He thinks I'm his mom."

I would lie down on my bed and hold my cell phone up to my ear and pretend I was talking to someone. I would say, "aslkasj askjdhkasjdhsakjhd murmrurmaurmmaruruar. barm. brarb. baaraebaem." but very dramatically.

I guess I lie down a lot.

12.03.2008

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12.01.2008