5.05.2009

updating this blog feels almost scary to me now, i feel controlled by my statcounter, and like whatever i say will or will not make people come back, and what does it even mean for someone to 'come back,' why do i care.

there has been a lot of school work so i have not been writing 'creatively.'

feel that i have neglected this blog and have been reduced to generic attention-seeking updates, maybe. but it has always kind of been that way, i don't know. the intention of this blog has been to serve as a placeholder for me in some kind of internet literary movement, like i will develop things eventually and maybe become a part of it, but i feel frustrated that i have had no time to devote to writing things that might contribute to that. writing that made me feel shitty, and like a higher version of myself is rolling their eyes at me. i feel a constant inner battle with modesty and not wanting to be perceived as 'self-important,' but i think i actually am. i hope i also appear funny. here is something funny:



submitted poems to places. nervous. i feel vague about what poetry is, even though i have taken several poetry classes and workshops. when i write a poem i feel like i am extremely drunk and have been given the keys to a very expensive car and told 'go ahead, you know what to do.'

i feel afraid that if i don't write more things i will become less real as a person because i will have less to show for myself. that feels irrational.

i am writing a story for brandon scott gorrell's short story contest. nervous. i should be studying for a final or at a bar right now but i am working on the story instead. i started studying but i stopped because it got too boring.

one time someone linked to me and said my blog was thought-provoking but inane, something like that. actually 'thought-provoking' is not the right adjective, i forget the positive adjective. 'inane' was definitely the negative adjective.

i like to be liked.

concrete forms of validation:
-sex
-laughter
-compliments
-blog hits
-blog comments
-inbox (1)
-notifications on facebook news feed
-@meganboyle replies

i think by posting this, people who i know in real life might think i am 'despicably nerdy and insecure.'

somehow that is not stopping me from posting this. probably because i am despicably nerdy and insecure.

6 comments:

brandon said...

'hey bro'

ryan manning said...

yes

barack obama said...

damn, true. megan boyle. megan boyle. inbox (1). haha. i keep feeling an impulse to type 'i like your blog' and i keep suppressing it or something.

tomhanks said...

brandon - hey bro, thanks for the link

ryan - yes

barack - i feel similar things about your blog, like how many times can i say 'i like that a lot' you know?

sara said...

i have most of all of these feelings usually every day

studying is boring

Juliana said...

i feel like i should be ashamed for systematically going through all of your blog posts, like that is 'creepy' and i should be doing other things with my time, but your writing makes me feel like i'm crawling into someplace i belong. like a womb, maybe.