i'm at work right now.

there are customers walking around, moving at the speed of grazing cows, looking at how high the ceiling is sometimes, trying to orient themselves or something.

i'm very conscious of the noise the keyboard is making. i'm trying to keep my fingers close to the keys so i don't make too much noise. i type extremely fast. i break sound barriers. i want to type type type type to see how fast i can type and impress myself.

typing is making me look busy. if i look busy i do not have to tell you where "angels and demons" is located, or how our book buyback program works, or what time we open sunday.

i feel invincible right now. if a customer exceeded my personal boundaries in any way right now, i would not hesitate to say "what do you think you are doing?" i am overtired/sleep deprived and my muscles feel relaxed and that's why i feel invincible. it feels good. i feel like i'm on a surfboard, surfing a sea of uncompleted homework assignments, flipping off everyone.

randy quaid from independence day just came in. he wanted to know where the ufo books were. when he came up to the register i was yawning as i said "hello," so he made the same voice back, then we started talking like were deaf or retarded. he talked to me about a jack the ripper convention he wanted to go to, but it was $100 for 3 days. that included meals.

a tall guy wearing a shirt that said "pug off!" with a pug dog on it just bought a book i sold back to the store. it was "the salmon of doubt" by douglas adams. he asked why i would sell that book back. i sold it back because i read four pages of it and thought "ENOUGH" and it was crowding my bookshelf. i told him it was because "i don't know... i wanted to simplify" or something. he was nervous-seeming, but jolly, like a dad who wears pajamas and takes his family out to denny's at 9 p.m. or something. i liked him. i said "bye." he said "see ya."

lots of moms today. grandmoms. grandmoms read romance novels and think about masturbating, but might not masturbate.

the ups guy just came in. i like him. he says "hey beautiful" and compliments me on my smile, but in a way that makes me feel comfortable instead of uncomfortable, which is uncommon. i think he wakes up in the morning, pours orange juice, looks at the closed refrigerator door, thinks "i'm going to make this one worth it. i'm going to make this day count," and pours more orange juice. he probably believes in god.

today we talked about the weather a little bit, and school. i think he read in a book that women like it when you ask them questions. "what were you doing in chicago?" "where did you go to school?" "your boyfriend is a lucky man" (who says that?). i said i didn't have a boyfriend. he said he didn't know why, and seemed startled and interested, and asked me if i wanted to not have a boyfriend or if i just don't. i said i don't really want one right now, but i don't know, it's a personal choice i'm making, but if a boyfriend came along i would be okay with it, something like that. then my manager came out and he left. he winked. i feel strange.

i think he does this to a lot of retail-working girls and likes to entertain a fantasy in his head that he is "Stereotypical Sexy UPS Guy That Retail Girls Probably Have Sexual Fantasies About." i don't have sexual fantasies about him. in my interactions with him, i try not to reinforce my imagined bias i think he has/i do not return flirtations. but i like interacting with him, despite these thoughts i have about him. he's pleasant and i think he is nice to small animals.

i made a graph inspired by tao lin's graphs, but i don't like my graph. i made it at school on microsoft excel, right before class, it was rushed. i don't have a program on my mac that allows me to create .bmp images or excel documents, so i can't make another one, unless i am at school. here is my subpar graph. oh no.

a more comprehensive graph about multiple subjects is coming soon, i think.


amaretto is so fucking sugary.

i'm cleaning out my liquor cabinet tonight.

i went to the gym at 9:30. i walked on the highest incline going 3 mph for one hour. i burned 650 calories. then i did things to stimulate "muscular toning" in my abs and thighs. i stretched. while i was on the treadmill, i read the first 70 pages of "the easter parade" by richard yates. i burn calories and read richard yates books at a similar rate.

today after class, i sat in the student center and finished "a good school" by richard yates and "introduction to evolutionary psychology" by someone named oscar. i liked both of those books. i sat for maybe three hours, finishing these books. the evolutionary psych one was for a class, and it was very easy to read, i finished it in two days. i read "a good school" for fun. it made me almost want to cry at the end, when this one main character cries. i felt sad that it was over. i think richard yates is bill grove. he is also probably several other characters, in different ways. it was a good emotional contrast to the detached, scientific tone of the evolutionary psych book.

i just read another 30 pages of "the easter parade" in the bathtub. someone who i sometimes have sex with text messaged me. i am never going to be the woman he wants, and he is never going to be the man i want, but we will probably resemble "ultimate things we want in a mate" to each other for awhile, and may continue having casual sex. i'm indifferent.

i'm bored and tired of relationships. i feel like emily grimes, a lot. a lot. a lot. except i'm not naturally "very skinny" like she is. i have to make an effort to be skinny. if i didn't monitor my food intake, i would probably be one of those "chubby art girls." i've lost almost ten pounds. i can wear a size 4 again. i feel good. today i ate: odwalla "food bar", orange, handful pistachios, five triscuits with hummus, four almonds. i drank coffee, green tea, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, vodka lemonade, amaretto lemonade. i'm trying to drink all the shitty alcohol i have, so i can replace it with better alcohol. if i finish this amaretto, i will have zero alcohol left in my apartment. it feels hard to concentrate on one subject right now. i'm getting drunk. more drunk.

it is snowing in baltimore. snow alleviates my mood an automatic 10 percent.

i like night better than day.

i don't know if i can drink all of this, i'm starting to feel sick and dehydrated.

there are dynamics in my family and interpersonal relationships that relate 100% directly to emily grimes, in a way that almost feels eerie to me. i am afraid to see how this book ends, because i don't think it will have a happy ending, and i will probably over-identify with it.

i want to eat chinese food.

i want to wrap myself in a burrito of bedding.

i want to skip classes and work tomorrow.

i want to be quiet for 50 hours.

i want to eat ten chicken nuggets.

that is all.


dwayne michael carter, jr.

last night i slept next to "a good school" by richard yates. i only wore underpants. i fell asleep with a kleenex up my right nostril. i woke up and i thought "i am fucked" and "this is probably how a lot of lonely computer programmers fall asleep and wake up, except maybe replace richard yates with gamer mags." my cat started humping my arm. or i don't know if it's humping or what, he just mounts my arm and moves his ass and licks my hand. i feel confused by it.

in chicago, my friend jake told me that cats have barbed penises and it's actually really painful when they have sex with each other. it hurts the mancat and the womancat both. he bites her neck so she doesn't run away. the barbs on his penis stimulate some part of her uterus or something.

i'm not sure what combination of atoms and energy or whatever made me made me, but i'm glad that i got made into a human instead of a cat.

my macbook is so dirty. it looks like its owner should be the last person on earth, who has been living in a sewer drain for seven years, who is good at physics and is building a time machine. white is a bad color for things you use a lot.

the other night i went out with two of my coworkers. we went to the peppermill, which is inside a hotel, which is where old people go to drink and talk about the civil war. it's cheap and quiet and right next to work, so we go there a lot. we all kind of have a "tongue in cheek" attitude about going. it's not a hipster bar, dive bar, or nice bar, which are probably the bars someone would guess people who look like us would go to after work. it smells like a retirement home. they have a very plentiful supply of mints and i always take a handful when i leave. everyone is nice there.

i drank four dogfish i.p.a.'s and had a double shot of jack daniels. my female coworker and i got salads. my male coworker didn't get food. we talked about relationships. i mostly listened, and waited for opportunities to say something. one time there was an opportunity to say something, but i didn't have anything to say, so i said, "oh. i don't know." then we were talking about hickeys. i told a story about two of my friends and i. we were sitting around one day and none of us had ever experienced a hickey, so we all decided to give each other hickeys on arbitrary, non-sexual places on our bodies, and then we went to the beach. i thought this story would be funny, because that experience was funny, we were laughing the whole time, but i think my coworkers thought it was deviant and strange. they seemed puzzled that it wasn't a sexual experience. we were quiet for awhile after i told the story. i felt embarrassed and like i needed to drink more.

eventually i think i made enough funny and relevant comments/questions so that i felt like i "broke even," or maybe exceeded "breaking even" and moved into "well-liked."

one coworker went home. he was wearing a skullcap. i have never seen him wear a hat. he was in a band with a guy from jimmie's chicken shack. after he left, my other coworker and i went to this bar which was full of people who listen to the dave matthews band. we sat at the bar. i drank two bud lights and we each did a shot of jack daniels out of a dixie cup. it was extremely crowded and dark. i think we were hit on several times. it was like shitty college party: the bar.

i'm pretty sure we had several different conversations. we could have spent ten minutes or two hours there. i started to feel "too drunk" and not aware of myself anymore. then we left. she asked me if i would be okay to drive. i said yes. it was probably two in the morning.

i listened to lou reed on the way home. i ran red lights in the city. i thought "reckless and stupid, but okay" as i was doing this. i focused my eyes directly in front of me so i could use my peripheral vision to concentrate on the yellow and white lines on the road. i felt like i was playing a video game.

i remember directionless-ly standing in my room and i guess i called seth at 2:39 a.m., but he didn't pick up. then i called this girl i went to high school with and i went over to her apartment. we smoked pot and ate pot brownies with her roommate and this boy who looked like yogi bear's son. i remember feeling like everyone was staring at me. i would say something and there would be a long pause. i felt like i was speaking russian. i think they laughed at a few things i said.

the entire night i do not remember what conversations were had. i feel like getting drunk/stoned with people is sometimes just a way to "pay dues" to a voice inside of me which says "you should be social," it doesn't count as actually hanging out and enjoying the company of others and feeling genuinely connected. at the same time, i don't feel like there is anything morally "bad" about doing it sometimes, it's just something that happens.

when i smoke pot with people sometimes it is a good experience and we all laugh about the same thing. i used to smoke pot with my ex-boyfriend and we would think of ways to make each other laugh, or show each other things on the internet, or go for walks in the woods, or eat fast food, or have sex. when i smoke pot with people other times, i feel extremely alienated and detached. this usually happens when people start talking about politics. when i am sober i already feel defeated when talking about politics. whether i am stoned or sober, when political discussions start to happen, i usually try to busy my hands with something and think of a way to direct the conversation to something that could make everyone laugh instead.

i wish i could hang out with lil wayne, but i feel like he doesn't "hang out" with girls, he mostly has sex with them. if we could just kick it and drink cough syrup and spit 16 bars it would be good.


family patterns

i am going to only drink lemonade for three days
i am going to dream of a giant fried chicken
i am going to write a text message and save it to drafts
i am going to fall asleep at 3 a.m. with a pillow on my head

my mom is going to watch american idol
my mom is going to heat up jenny craig food
my mom is going to think about getting a job, but not get a job
my mom is going to fall asleep on the couch with her mouth half-open

my dad is going to smoke weed
my dad is going to make a smoothie with a raw egg in it
my dad is going to start reading a book, but end up skimming it
my dad is going to turn on his electric blanket and fall asleep with a towel on his face


i am watching t.v. and feeling sad about failed relationships

my blood pressure goes up during the period which follows after sending a text message, before receiving a response.

maybe no one will respond to me and i'll end up staying in. but the entire time i stay in, i'll be thinking, "fuck, why isn't anyone texting me back, should i text them again?" so it won't actually be a fun time, i'll be 7% anxious. i should've just not touched my phone today. 

being sick/having a cold feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses all of the time.

today i ate a can of chicken soup, papaya, mango, theraflu.

there is a party tonight.

i fell asleep on the couch.

i want to stay in and bake cookies, i think.

maybe i will bake cookies for the party.

will smith is in men in black. he was also in independence day. people like to see will smith reacting to aliens. probably because he's funny and charismatic and seems to be a kind of visual manifestation of the suspension of disbelief it takes to imagine realistically interacting with aliens. he does that by making sarcastic comments, mostly, i think. 

my cat jumped in the toilet.

the other day i hung out with steve for a long long time.

we ate at an indian lunch buffet, got stoned at my apartment, looked at the internet and played with my cats. then we were less stoned. then we were just kind of quiet. 

the sun was setting. we watched clouds while sitting on my couch. we tried to think of shapes that the clouds looked like. he said one cloud looked like a dinosaur. i said i've never seen a dinosaur. he started laughing and said he loved me. i felt confused and tried to ignore it and have no visible or vocal reaction to it. something like that.

then i tried to work out and he stayed at my apartment, watching msnbc. the walk to the gym was cold and i felt like i was floating. i was still a little stoned, paranoid, and felt detached from my body, so i stopped working out and came back. steve and i laid on my bed and tried to figure out a rubik's cube. i kept telling him what to do, where to move the sections. he said "fine, you try," and gave it to me. i put it down. 

all day, the only parts of our bodies that touched were our arms and elbows. when they touched, i was conscious of it, it felt a little bit soft and electric. he has a girlfriend now.
he drove us back to his parent's house. we talked with his mom and dad in the kitchen for awhile. she had made a lot of lasagna. his brother came home. he got a lovebird, it sits on his shoulder. we rented "superbad" and "trekkies." we watched "superbad" with his brother and his mom. we all laughed. then his brother lost his bird and we looked for it. we couldn't find it. it was lost all night, we found it in the morning, it was under someone's coat.

steve and i went outside to smoke the resin out of my bowl. i had never done that before. he said it might give me a headache, but it would also feel good. i said it tasted like pencil shavings. 

we went inside and watched "trekkies" while laying on seperate couches. i started falling alseep towards the end. steve said he didn't want to make me sleep on the couch, but if i slept in his bed with him, we'd have to "behave ourselves," so that's what we did. 

it was probably 55 degrees in his room. we spooned for awhile with his small dog separating us. the dog stayed between us all night. it was warm. i thought about babies sleeping with parents.

the next day he dropped me off at my car, it had been in the shop. i said i wanted a coconut chocolate chip milkshake. he said he did too. it was a 20 minute drive to the milkshake place.

we drank the milkshakes in his car and made fun of people outside. i felt sick, but i didn't want him to know. then he wanted to see my car. the entire time we spent together, our conversation had a natural and easy flow. i laughed genuinely several times and i think he did too. then he said, "i'll call you next time i have a vacation," which probably means it will be awhile. i felt sad. i tried to not let him know.

"failed relationships"

"everyone has a girlfriend who isn't me"

"boo hoo"

"no one is in love with me"

"other girls are preferred to me"

fuck you sonic burger, for having ads on t.v. all the time, but not existing anywhere near me.

papa john's took "everybody have fun tonight (wang chung tonight)" and instead of "everybody have fun tonight," they made the words, "celebration around the world." stupid.


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i read that using alcohol/marijuana before bed makes you spend less time in r.e.m. sleep, and that's when dreams happen. they deprived cats of r.e.m. sleep one time and the cats ended up killing themselves by running into a wall, repeatedly.


what if humans played with cat toys in the same way that cats play with cat toys, and some cubicle/office worker people snuck into the break room to play with cat toys, and they got caught by their boss, and they were all just looking at each other, and the boss was like "back to work, goons," what if that happened?

here are some of my favorite things to feel:

-being kind of hot and drowsy with the sun beating down on your face, just sitting in the lawn or a park or waiting for someone in a car or something.

-the way time doesn't exist when you're waking up with someone you love, and you just roll around quietly in bed together and sometimes open your eyes. these are the longest moments of my life.

-taking an extremely hot shower and being warm all over.

-being awake in the middle of the night and knowing that life is still going on around you, but in a slightly different way.

-talking all night long.

-being alone, but not lonely.

-the way your body feels after swimming in the ocean. or swimming in general, i guess. how you're always kind of warmly exhausted. 

-when i come home and pick up alvie and he smells like he's been sleeping in my bed all day.

-looking up at all the stars, when you can see so many.

-everything about wet grass in summer.

-the night before leaving for a trip on an airplane.

-any moment where i am conscious of having a "peak experience," where i have thoughts like, "i know i will fondly remember this later."