2.11.2009

when i go outside i try to mentally will the world to "missed connect" me. i concentrate very hard on thinking "you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me, you need to craigslist me," while making subtle eye contact.

i was in baltimore's b magazine because of something i tweeted on their twitter page.

i like wavves the band. especially the song "teenage super party."

i drank two full moon beers and fell asleep watching mtv.

i woke up two hours later.

i have been wearing the same thing for four days.

i live in constant fear of obesity.

most of my time on the internet is spent refreshing the same pages repeatedly.

most of the appeal of smoking cigarettes is so i can have something to do with my hands. it takes attention off of what would otherwise be distracting mental processes. i make eye contact better when i am holding a cigarette. their taste has progressed from 'horrible' to 'tolerable' for me.

today i have to go to work and class. i have to take notes for deaf people. fuck.

my evolutionary psychology professor calls all living creatures "critters." he has a desert tortoise named "yortiss" (or "yortoise," i don't know). tomorrow is charles darwin's 200th birthday, so he is bringing cake for us today. i have urges to hug him during lecture. i think he is a good dad, if he has kids.

some days i have zero interesting thoughts. the more busy my life is, the less interesting thoughts i have, i think. my life is rarely busy with things i want it to be busy with, but busy with other things like school and work and errands and bullshit.

most people i know need to "go out" a lot, i don't like going out, but i feel the need to be social.

i tried reading tom robbins the other day but i can't anymore. he is irritating. i think he looks at himself in the mirror for a long time after masturbating. i have a tom robbins tattoo of the cover of "still life with woodpecker." i don't want to talk about it.

2.03.2009

legitimate questions i have:

is it okay to drop off rent directly in my landlord's mailbox, without going through the postal service?

are my cats ever "offended" when i don't want to play with them?

what is the appropriate amount of eye contact for strangers on the street?

will the imagined semi-realistic long term goals i have for my life eventually happen, or will i end up homeless, friendless, and insane?

is it ever possible to know everything there is to know about a given subject?

how does the situation in israel concretely effect my life?

why can't i pee when someone is in the stall next to me?

if what determines my personality is a composite of memories/associations/practiced and reinforced behavior, and i am in control of my mind, is it possible to consciously will myself to forget certain experiences which have caused the creation of what i consider "negative" aspects of my personality?

is it possible to genuinely not care about the opinions of others (and not have chronic schizophrenia or some kind of developmental disorder)?

if every living thing on earth has evolved from single cell organisms, how is there such a variety of living things, were there predisposed origins/intentions like "single cell organism which will become a tree" or "single cell organism which will become an antelope" or "single cell organism which will become a person," like existence pills or something?

technically, how far away from being "alive" is a box (or any inanimate object) -- if a box one day had a single cell grow on it, would that make it kind of "alive?" it is made of atoms and matter, which seem like sort of "alive" things to me, or at least things that exist instead of nothing.

what purpose does it serve to have conscious thought?

how many mistakes can i make before i'm put on "friend probation"?

why do i feel a need to have social relationships?

why am i consistently attracted to men who are either emotionally unavailable or emotionally attached to their ex-girlfriends?

why do i feel the need to justify and create a "purpose" in life?

if i take antidepressants, will i feel better, will i not have these questions?

would my overall life satisfaction improve if i started believing in god?

arm humping:

2.02.2009

i feel self conscious in school computer labs. the monitor of this computer is suspended in the air by a black lever thing, i don't know how to describe it, it is a boring thing that in 500 years will probably be in a landfill and someone will look at it and feel confused as to what we used it for, unless the monitor is still attached to it.

i finished "the easter parade" today. i ate a chicken quesadilla as i read the last 20 pages. i had to stop eating because i felt absurd, almost disrespectful to the characters or something. i felt conscious of "quesadilla," it was distracting me. i resumed eating after finishing the book. as soon as i finished the book, something changed in my stomach. i felt like it was hard to breathe for maybe two seconds. i felt overwhelmed and depressed and like life is sad and meaningless, but also the description of life in the book is extremely accurate and syncs up with a lot of my feelings towards life. since richard yates also articulated this view of life, it almost made me feel less depressed. i felt extremely depressed and not depressed at the same time, which is what i think the "overwhelming" feeling was. i like this feeling. it is comforting and inspiring. i'm conscious of saying "life" and "depressed" a lot in this paragraph.

things i have spilled on this book: coffee, water, tea, small spot of salsa, smudge of pizza. i shouldn't eat while reading. after i finished, i looked at the page which contains the ISBN and i saw that my copy is a first edition. it is hardcover. i tore the dust jacket a little bit. i had a similar experience reading "like life" by lorrie moore, i realized it was a first edition after reading it. it is also signed. i don't really care, i think, though it is exciting to imagine lorrie moore holding something that i am holding. i can explain why that's exciting to me on an emotional level (i admire her), but i can't explain why that's exciting to me on a rational/intellectual level (what purpose does it serve to hold something that someone i admire has held?). i don't care if books are first editions, but i feel like i should, because someone else might. stupid thought.

my blog posts are getting longer.

i'm aware that this is now a blog that is read by other humans, it was just me for a long time. i think i feel restrained or like i have the potential to "let down" readers or something.

blog

i think this is too long, it might not be interesting anymore.