3.30.2009

critical spelling error: for the entirety of this post, please regard "drunkness" as "drunkenness"

graph detailing the experience of being drunk the other night:



variable definitions:


drunkenness: amount of alcohol ingested which has an effect on behavior. i drank 3 gin-lemonade-iced teas, a few sips of old granddad whiskey, 3-5 beers, 1 "red headed slut" shot

self-perceived attractiveness: how attractive i think i look to other people, opposite sex especially

negative self opinion: thoughts that consist of things like that was the wrong thing to say, you are destined to be alone for a long time, your place/existence in the world is invalid, other people are more relevant/interesting/funny/attractive than you

"poor/destructive decision making" analysis
10:30 p.m. -- intended to walk alone to the ottobar (saw friend on the street instead, walked around)
11 p.m. -- hitchhiking on north avenue, semi-accidental
12-12:30 a.m. -- was aware that i was drinking more than i needed to, began shaky social constitution, perhaps repeated myself, hugged many people and maybe seemed "insincere"
1 a.m. -- left phone at bar, maybe made advances on males at bar but am unsure of this
2:30/3 a.m. -- decision to walk home alone in the rain through a "bad part of town"

social inhibitions: filter against being "outrageous"

perceived "interest"/reinforcement from others: either obvious vocal reinforcements like laughter or compliments, or obvious physical reinforcements like friendly affection, or more subtle reinforcements/cues in behavior like prolonged eye contact, attention/interest devoted to a conversation with me, amount of people listening to me at once.


NOTE: correlation does not equal causation



negative correlations:
amount of "drunkenness" to social inhibitions
amount of social inhibitions to perceived "interest" from others

positive correlations:

relationship between drunkenness and perceived "interest" from others (not including 2 - 3 a.m. time, when i was walking home alone)
relationship between self-perceived attractiveness and perceived "interest" from others (not between the hours 1 - 3 a.m.)
relationship between self-perceived attractiveness and drunkenness (not between the hours 1-3 a.m., when "attractiveness" declined dramatically)


outliers:
relationship between negative self opinion and perceived attractiveness
relationship between negative self opinion and destructive decision-making (i anticipated that these would be positively correlated, this doesn't seem right)
"negative self opinion" variable in general


general notes:


i think a lot of this would be more consistent if subjective experiences did not happen from the hours 12:30 - 2. i remember feeling vaguely and maybe irrationally "rejected" by males in general between 12:30 and 1:30 a.m., especially the 1:00 hour, and probably for no concrete reason, since i can't remember any specific event that would reinforce this.

sometimes when i am drunk it seems like emotions appear out of nowhere, or i will have a memory of a negative experience and it will somehow dominate or put a tone to my thoughts. i think this accounts for most of the outliers, as "negative self opinion" is more of an emotional experience than something that can be concretely justified (at least when i'm drunk).

i think i should maybe add a "wave of intense emotions: positive/negative" variable.

i think the experience of having "waves of negative emotions" is directly related to what i'm drinking and how much i've eaten, but i can't prove that. usually when i just drink one or two things, or things that are the same color, i feel heightened positivity. i don't know what this means. on that particular night i drank many different things, and i think i hadn't eaten in hours.

3.28.2009

i can see my cat's eyes only in my peripheral vision and for a moment felt something like "extremely terrified," floating cat eyes.

more people looked at my blog today than ever. people from maryland who i probably know. i feel both indifferent and highly anxious about this at once, and i'm not sure how that's possible, but it is.

blogworthy

there is a story up on 3:am magazine now, i feel like i don't know what to do now, there is something expected now or something, i didn't think it would be received positively, i am surprised, i have never submitted anything anywhere, maybe i am making this into a "big deal" when it shouldn't be.

here are blurbs from real life:

one coworker says, "full of typos. there is an instance where 'an' should replace 'a.' it was okay."

megan says, "motion picture event of 2009."

mom says, "it's saying 'error: this page does not exist,' did i do something wrong?"

3.21.2009

Terius Youngdell Nash

i'm reading "the end of the story" by lydia davis. in my head vincent physically resembles someone important in my life, and the dynamic they have together is very similar to my last failed serious relationship. i relate to 97% of what lydia davis says, but i'm not sure if it's because i've actually had similar thoughts as her, or if it's because her style of writing makes me think i've had similar thoughts as her. i think a little of both. reading it gives me thoughts like, "ohhh," a-ha," and "yes, very similar to me."

i was feeding my cats cheez-its and one cat threw up a little on my leg. now he's licking his crotch.

the other night i threw up from drinking. then i felt better. then i drank a little more. i had drank four cups of wine, one gin and tonic, one "red headed slut" shot, and two beers. then i threw up. then i drank another beer. this was over the course of probably four or five hours. seeing that written down feels bad. i feel excessive. i feel compelled to say that this doesn't happen often.

that same night, a girl aggressively hit on me. i was with a group of three people. the bar was closing, so we left. outside, there was a crowd of people smoking cigarettes and standing around thinking about what was going to happen next.

there was a girl standing close to the door who was alone and had a worried look on her face, and i was drunk enough to approach her and ask if she was okay. she asked if i could walk her home, because she was "really drunk" and nervous about walking alone. she lived maybe three blocks away. the three other people i was with said we could walk her home.

we started walking and i was asking her about her job and housing arrangements or something. she answered my questions and then she started telling me i was "gorgeous" and asked if i was bi and if i wanted to hook up with her and if i thought she was pretty. i said i wasn't sure of my sexual orientation, but that she was too drunk and probably didn't mean/would regret most of the things she was saying anyway. she kept saying i was "gorgeous" and that she really wanted to "hook up" with me, and maybe said more explicit things. i'm not sure what i said to her.

someone in the group picked up on me being uncomfortable and stopped walking. then i stopped walking. then the girl stopped walking. someone said something about going to my apartment. i felt confused and probably said "well," "i mean," "i don't know," and "what do you think, what are you doing" a lot. this probably happened over a period of two minutes, but it felt like maybe ten or fifteen minutes to me. the girl wanted to come back to my apartment. i said that would be okay, but someone else had a reason why that was not okay, but i can't remember. the girl walked off and was very angry. i said, "okay bye."

i was probably 75% drunk at this point. i was drunk enough to talk to strangers but sober enough to say no to a sexual proposition.

after the girl left us, we were walking back to my apartment. we all wanted to eat something and everyone was saying what they wanted to eat. i said i wanted pizza. my friend cori also wanted pizza. a tall guy in the group said he hated pizza. i have met people who don't eat pizza because it contains cheese or sometimes meat, but i have never met a person who doesn't eat pizza because they don't like the taste. i told him this, but in a very loud voice, and probably jokingly accused him of being an alien or something, and had very exaggerated movements, and probably said "WHAAAAAAT!" and "oh my god" a lot, when he would say things he didn't like about pizza.

we were all laughing as this was going on, there were funny things being said, but i can't remember what they were, or if they even were funny, or if we were just drunk. i made some kind of physical contact with him, "play-fighting," and he pushed or nudged me, and i fell down and skinned my knee and tops of my feet and i was bleeding a lot. he came over and picked me up and apologized sincerely, but we were all laughing about this. i was laughing. i felt ridiculous and "over the top" or something, but good.

other things happened. there was a car and we got lost and were going to go to a korean place and then a diner and then i forget. we ended up at a convenience store in my old neighborhood and got falafel. the guys working there remembered me. they speak with thick middle eastern accents and sometimes i can't understand them, but i smile and shrug at them a lot, and i think we like each other. i like them, anyway.

then one person left and there were just three of us. we went up to my apartment. i think i ate all of my falafel and then felt very tired and went to sleep. it was 4 or 5 in the morning. the tall guy and my friend cori stayed awake and had a "relationship altering talk" or something.

it was a good night. other things happened. those were the most notable. my cat is now "spooning" my leg.

3.16.2009

south by southwest

i make my life harder by imagining negative responses from other humans so vividly that i don't engage in the behavior that could've potentially resulted in a positive response from another human.

3.11.2009

i have a midterm in two hours that i have not studied for. it is for history and systems of psychology.

on the study guide it says, "the wise student will take time to prepare written answers to all these study questions and then study for them. prepare carefully."

most psychologists/philosophers we have studied have undergone severe depression, attempted suicide, were thought by their peers as "freaks" or insane, locked themselves in their rooms, were socially isolated, were either celibate or extremely promiscuous, but rarely found "love."

most of them took a long time to finish school, or dropped out of school, or never went to school and taught themselves.

i feel like knowing these things makes it very hard for me to study for a test in this class.

i feel like i would get along with a lot of these early psychologists.

i started using the internet just now to find out how brentano's act psychology, stumpf's phenomenology, and the wurzburg schoool are reflected in contemporary psychology, because i was absent that day.

my backpack broke and i am ingesting a lot of caffeine. i was sitting in a cafe for awhile writing "i am so fucked" and over and over in the margins of my notes i was studying.

i feel melodramatic.