7.29.2009

can't decide if i want to buy beer or cigarettes right now, down to last $11 until tomorrow

can't decide if my recent haircut has a negative correlation between 'ability to look like a hipster girl' and 'objective attractiveness'

can't decide if i'm actually hungry or if i just feel a need to be hungry because i've only eaten a salad and banana today

can't decide if going to work, coming home, sitting in bed, writing a little, looking at the internet, drinking a beer and listening to beat happening for the past two nights is a totally worthwhile or totally worthless existence

can't decide if my dad offering me weed in an email is really awesome or really fucked up

can't decide if i want to call back everyone who's called me or never call anyone ever again

can't decide if i want to drop out of school and become a truck driver right now or finish school and then become a truck driver

okay i just decided i will finish school

maybe

fuck

can't decide if this blog post is infinitely stupid

will not post this, i am sure of it

no, okay, i will post it

7.20.2009

it is impossible to make a blog post without being aware of blogging, jesus. hi i'm blogging right now

today i didn't have work and couldn't get out of bed until like, 3 p.m.

i kept sleeping and then not sleeping and having thoughts about other things i needed to be doing

then i tried to make myself do errands but the valve broke off of my bike tube when pumping air into it

so then i said 'fuck it' and walked to the harbor and sat on federal hill reading for a long time

i'm consciously avoiding social interactions, and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. it feels okay, not really different than before, maybe i'm a little more calm or something, and it looks like other people are having more fun than me all of the time

maybe i should stop doing that before people start forgetting about me in their weekend event planning

i am resisting getting a beer right now. i have to either go to the gym or do laundry tonight, i really really have to

one time when i was drunk i got ambitious and decided to do a yoga tape. i kept losing my balance and during the 'floor meditation,' i fell asleep. i feel like if a montage of this were on youtube it would have the potential to go viral and maybe 'ruin my life'

maybe i will just sleep for 10 minutes and then do laundry

i just want to sit around and drink beer

my friend called me a little earlier but i couldn't get to the phone, then i immediately called him back, no answer, texted 'yo i'm here what up,' no answer, ~2 minutes later there was a voicemail, checked voicemail for the first time in weeks, he had left me a ~1.5 minute long message of himself doing dishes, ~15 minutes later got a text saying 'this was my shitty phone accidentallycalling,' feel like this is 'the story of my life' or something, haha

i just want to sit around and drink beer

7.10.2009

i keep hearing my cell phone alarm go off in my head and it is making me anxious

i told my friend i couldn't go out tonight because i felt feverish but really i just didn't want to perform socially and get too drunk and fall off my bike

there is this big music thing this weekend that i should be excited about, that i might be excited about tomorrow

i haven't really eaten in the past two days, i don't know why, it feels weird, my jeans feel loose

i don't know why i'm writing any of this down right now, i feel like the ethos of a blog post is 'teehee, i'm trying to portray casual indifference while secretly knowing that i'm very important, obviously i am important because i have an audience,' because i know that shouldn't i be immune to it or something?

i just said 'ethos of a blog post'

what an asshole

okay whatever

when my friend first visited my apartment he said it smelled great but the last time he came over i said, 'sorry, i need to clean,' and he said, 'yeah, smells like it'

then i wouldn't let him use the bathroom until i cleaned my cat's litter box

a few years ago i kicked him out of my parent's house because he told me my feet smelled

we argued for a really long time about my feet smelling, like from a car ride to my house then maybe 15 minutes at my house

he couldn't believe i was kicking him out and he said, 'fine!' and i said, 'you are being a jerk right now,' and he said, 'fine!' i think, something like that

stupid

i made myself eat half of a subway sandwich because i need to eat something. i sat at subway alone, reading and eating for the purpose of sustaining life rather than fun

some acquaintances sat at the table next to me and i felt uncomfortable. they ate in silence and that made me feel comfortable. when they left, one of them said 'hey megan,' but i didn't think he meant me so i didn't look up, then he banged his hand on my table and i jumped and looked extremely surprised and he laughed and acted apologetic and i didn't know what to say but i smiled a lot and i think i said 'have a good day' but it's nighttime

after that i was in the park reading until things started to bite me

i walked home and heard 'bohemian rhapsody' playing somewhere either in traffic or in someone's house

hearing 'bohemian rhapsody' makes me insanely happy no matter what, and i don't know if i should feel embarrassed about that

i have no idea what the song 'bohemian rhapsody' means, but 'bohemian rhapsody' is extremely sure of what it means, to the point of being maybe the most melodramatic of any song, it seems funny to me

'bohemian rhapsody' is like a blog post because it takes itself very seriously

i made it my sole purpose in life to find where 'bohemian rhapsody' was coming from

i looked around a lot and stared places

i accidentally stared at this fat guy and he looked interested

he thought i wanted to have sex with him, probably

i wanted to yell, 'DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SEX'

most of my social duties consist of trying to convince different groups of acquaintances that a different group of acquaintances is my primary group of friends

there are text messages and emails that i have never responded to and i want to have an answer to why i haven't responded to them but i don't

i just took an online quiz in my head and found out that i am 58% more concerned with not smelling bad than most people my age, which isn't a lot, but it's 'above the curve' i guess

i just took another online quiz in my head and found out that the disney character who my personality most resembles is the dick that some guy painted into the cover of 'the little mermaid'