4.05.2010

this feels really self-indulgent but i guess the nature of blogging is kind of self-indulgent so it's okay i guess...

whenever i'm at a stop sign or red light i feel like people are staring at me

also when i walk down the street, i'm pretty much constantly worried about people staring at me, though i'm not sure what would be bad about that

i have so many unpublished blog posts

would people be interested in a chapbook of my unpublished blog posts? it would be cheap, like, $3 probably

feeling nervous about asking that... maybe forget i asked that, i don't know

last night i slept over at my mom's apartment

i woke up at 5 a.m. and ate food that made my mouth feel weird/sticky and couldn't fall asleep again

this morning she got a package of 'make your neck smaller' cream from the home shopping network

she laughed kind of hysterically to herself while she put it on, sitting on the couch

i think she asked me questions while she was putting it on, or maybe she just talked to herself

shortly after that i left

'shortly'

...

whenever i come back to my apartment i feel very alone, but not sad. sometimes sad, i guess. i don't think i ever feel 'fulfilled'

there have been many days in the past 1.5 years where i just sit in different places in my apartment and have minimal thoughts, or maybe worried thoughts, or maybe just thoughts like 'i want to eat (this),' or envisioning successful conversations i'll have someday

seems like i'm constantly worried that i'm making bad decisions without being aware of it, that i will continue to do that and maybe grow old 'emily grimes style'

i had to do a reading for a class i'm in and some people said i seemed 'endearingly shy.' that made me feel good/continues to make me feel good, but writing it down right now makes me feel retarded

most of the time i think i want to be lying down, listening to quiet noises


i wrote this blog post without editing it or anything, except to write 'i wrote this blog post without editing it or anything'