6.25.2010

i have frequently thought 'i am trying to be okay' in the past 48 hours without really knowing what 'okay' is or what i need to do to be 'trying'

i feel sad and the world around me feels strange and it's making the tone of my thoughts sarcastic in a weird and maybe funny way

at a traffic light today i thought 'how can this thing be serious' and 'oh wow, "stop and go," awesome'

one of my primary goals is to not take myself seriously, or at least try to convey that attitude socially, but in order to say 'i feel sad' i have to take myself seriously enough to recognize that on some level i earnestly feel the emotion 'sad'

i've been at my mom's house for a few hours. she asked me what i was going to do later today and i said, 'maybe go walk around a mall or drive somewhere or something' in what i think was an inadvertently overly sad-sounding voice

then i went in the other room and time passed

then she said 'i don't want you to be aimlessly wandering around the world wondering if anyone loves you'

then i said 'story of my life, mom' in a 'bad comedian' voice

then we laughed

seemed lorrie moore-esque