i am watching t.v. and feeling sad about failed relationships

my blood pressure goes up during the period which follows after sending a text message, before receiving a response.

maybe no one will respond to me and i'll end up staying in. but the entire time i stay in, i'll be thinking, "fuck, why isn't anyone texting me back, should i text them again?" so it won't actually be a fun time, i'll be 7% anxious. i should've just not touched my phone today. 

being sick/having a cold feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses all of the time.

today i ate a can of chicken soup, papaya, mango, theraflu.

there is a party tonight.

i fell asleep on the couch.

i want to stay in and bake cookies, i think.

maybe i will bake cookies for the party.

will smith is in men in black. he was also in independence day. people like to see will smith reacting to aliens. probably because he's funny and charismatic and seems to be a kind of visual manifestation of the suspension of disbelief it takes to imagine realistically interacting with aliens. he does that by making sarcastic comments, mostly, i think. 

my cat jumped in the toilet.

the other day i hung out with steve for a long long time.

we ate at an indian lunch buffet, got stoned at my apartment, looked at the internet and played with my cats. then we were less stoned. then we were just kind of quiet. 

the sun was setting. we watched clouds while sitting on my couch. we tried to think of shapes that the clouds looked like. he said one cloud looked like a dinosaur. i said i've never seen a dinosaur. he started laughing and said he loved me. i felt confused and tried to ignore it and have no visible or vocal reaction to it. something like that.

then i tried to work out and he stayed at my apartment, watching msnbc. the walk to the gym was cold and i felt like i was floating. i was still a little stoned, paranoid, and felt detached from my body, so i stopped working out and came back. steve and i laid on my bed and tried to figure out a rubik's cube. i kept telling him what to do, where to move the sections. he said "fine, you try," and gave it to me. i put it down. 

all day, the only parts of our bodies that touched were our arms and elbows. when they touched, i was conscious of it, it felt a little bit soft and electric. he has a girlfriend now.
he drove us back to his parent's house. we talked with his mom and dad in the kitchen for awhile. she had made a lot of lasagna. his brother came home. he got a lovebird, it sits on his shoulder. we rented "superbad" and "trekkies." we watched "superbad" with his brother and his mom. we all laughed. then his brother lost his bird and we looked for it. we couldn't find it. it was lost all night, we found it in the morning, it was under someone's coat.

steve and i went outside to smoke the resin out of my bowl. i had never done that before. he said it might give me a headache, but it would also feel good. i said it tasted like pencil shavings. 

we went inside and watched "trekkies" while laying on seperate couches. i started falling alseep towards the end. steve said he didn't want to make me sleep on the couch, but if i slept in his bed with him, we'd have to "behave ourselves," so that's what we did. 

it was probably 55 degrees in his room. we spooned for awhile with his small dog separating us. the dog stayed between us all night. it was warm. i thought about babies sleeping with parents.

the next day he dropped me off at my car, it had been in the shop. i said i wanted a coconut chocolate chip milkshake. he said he did too. it was a 20 minute drive to the milkshake place.

we drank the milkshakes in his car and made fun of people outside. i felt sick, but i didn't want him to know. then he wanted to see my car. the entire time we spent together, our conversation had a natural and easy flow. i laughed genuinely several times and i think he did too. then he said, "i'll call you next time i have a vacation," which probably means it will be awhile. i felt sad. i tried to not let him know.

"failed relationships"

"everyone has a girlfriend who isn't me"

"boo hoo"

"no one is in love with me"

"other girls are preferred to me"

fuck you sonic burger, for having ads on t.v. all the time, but not existing anywhere near me.

papa john's took "everybody have fun tonight (wang chung tonight)" and instead of "everybody have fun tonight," they made the words, "celebration around the world." stupid.


Tao Lin said...

i feel very interested reading things like this

Gene said...

Good post. I like Papa Johns because you can order on the internet.