turn my swag on

i feel completely asexual, in a way where i think i could probably be single forever and it would be okay.

the internet is overwhelming. 'everyone' 'is all' 'like' 'this' on the 'internet' now 'bro.' looks sarcastic.

my feet smell so bad and it is so good. 

i feel a surge of positive feelings when i hear "break up" by mario featuring sean garrett and gucci mane on the radio. i have been driving a pontiac grand prix rental car. it has a really good sound system. i listen to hip hop radio extremely loudly in it and crack myself up.

most of the things i feel lately: exhausted, drunk, vaguely ambitious, extreme silliness, bored/completely neutral, hopeless/overwhelmed about small things, resistant to things i "have to" do.

those are actually the feelings that have dominated my late teen to adult life so far, i think.

i wish this missed connection was for me:

http://baltimore.craigslist.org/mis/1149265249.html

and this one:

http://baltimore.craigslist.org/mis/1147750502.html

i don't know what i would do if they were, though. probably nothing. the idea of starting a romantic relationship is very unappealing to me right now, but the possibility of gaining feelings of validation is appealing. i don't know.

those are the only things i feel inspired to say right now.

someone from elmer, new jersey supplies this blog with the most hits.

someone else looked at this entire blog and didn't say anything.

i started to take a nap and i heard a cat meowing in the alley outside my window. i was almost totally asleep, passively hearing the meowing. an image came into my head of the cat as a giant, cat-sized flea hopping into my window and biting off the tip of my right middle finger. i jumped and gasped and now i am awake.

this blog post is really stupid and i want to take it down but there are 4 comments, that's a lot for me, i don't know

school causes feelings of "i want to smoke pot until i am stupid," "i will never graduate or gain direction or become successful," and "it is overwhelming how if i become an analyst/therapist my 'professional career' will not actually exist until i am in my thirties, will i enjoy being alive that long, will the experience of constantly being in school wear down so much on my capability to enjoy other things about life that eventually the costs outweigh the benefits and there will be nothing enjoyable about being alive anymore? i don't want to die but i don't want my only reason for being alive to be 'i don't want to die.'"

the third is not actually a "feeling," it's a question i guess. the feeling that results from that question is feeling like it might be nice to curl into a fetal position, be wrapped in hospital gauze or a spider web-like material, and be carefully placed in a large, soft trunk that contains enough oxygen and resources for me to sustain life indefinitely.

why does it seem like people only stay alive until they are 80 because of a self-imposed desire to complete a self-replenishing list of tasks?

oh, i guess they also have children and grandchildren that they love. but what if i don't have children and grandchildren?

where do you have children? how do you find room in this to have children? how have we, as a species, been able to maintain the practice of other people coming out of other people's birth canals for so long? is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have another person grow inside and come out of me?

stupid stupid stupid

it is stupid to say "stupid"

what

stupid

i am now saying "stupid" from an objective place, like from where the word "stupid" originated, that's what i mean now

stupid

earlier i think i meant that i was stupid for having these thoughts, but it is stupid and pointless to have that thought, and then i thought "stupid" objectively, to remove me from the situation

stupid

this whole thing is stupid

i want a sandwich maybe, maybe pizza, fuck

why is this a blog post, i don't even want to talk about this being a blog post, it just is.

in class, my professor was discussing a context that involved him repeatedly using the phrase "reported rapes," and i had a strong urge to raise my hand and have a serious-concerned facial expression and say, "yes, but what about the reported grapes?" then i started laughing semi-uncontrollably (but relatively silently) in my chair and the harder i tried to stop laughing the more i felt like laughing.

writing is not sexy

i accidentally read an erotic short story in the computer lab and now i have to go to class in fifteen minutes and i feel extremely horny and this is a problem. i thought there was a 30% chance that the story i was reading would turn out to be erotic, and it held my interest, so i kept reading it. this is good, writing makes me feel not horny. when i was reading it i was not conscious of the fact that i was in a school computer lab, i felt like i was one of the characters. actually, i was both of the characters. as soon as i finished the story, i felt suddenly very aware that i was in a school computer lab, and that i had a large neon sign over my head that said "horny," pointing at me. i feel extremely not horny talking about this. writing this was the equivalent of talking someone out of a panic attack very effectively. blogs are useful.

here is a story about work

i said "hello" to a man
he said "hello" to me
i was tired
he put his books on the counter
i scanned his books into the register
the register told me a price to tell him
i told him the price
he smiled i think
he gave me a twenty dollar bill
i gave him his change
i said, "6.88 is your change"
he said, "great"
i put his books in a bag

i handed him the bag
looked him in the eye
and very naturally and enthusiastically said, "hello!"

i should have said "thank you" or "goodbye"
i was embarrassed
i probably said "oh my god"
he said, "it's okay, i understand"
i was laughing uncontrollably
he walked away
i started crying
not because it was sad
because it was funny.