i have over 100 drafts of blog posts and only 46 actual blog posts, haha

i think my next relationship is going to be with a moody/depressive/highly emotional guy because i want to feel like 'the calm one'

lately, when driving, i have mental pictures of somehow making a small mistake and my car spinning out of control, then i get impaled by an oncoming car

also, when walking down stairs, i think i'll trip and my shin bones will become detached from my knees and i'll be lying there with these bloody stumps

the ligament or whatever it is that holds my knee to my shin bone doesn't seem powerful enough somehow

when talking to people, i fear somehow messing up conversationally and a series of small but catastrophic events occurring, maybe resulting in the other person's eventual hatred of me

i'm pretty sure every day i mess up really badly, conversation-wise

yesterday i was talking to my new co-worker about alcohol

we had been having a really good, 20 minute conversation about other things prior to talking about alcohol

she said she has friends that drink to get wasted

i said sometimes i do that

then she said "oh"

then neither of us said anything for ~15 minutes

then i think i said something like, "i think i drink because i'd rather not be in a social situation and drinking makes it easier and more fun, like, i worry less, but, i'd rather be at home or something usually, except for maybe sometimes, i don't know"

then she said nothing

then i said, "do you think i'm an insane alcoholic with social problems"

then she kind of laughed and said no

i felt really bad

last night i had a dream that strangers kept approaching me on the street and asking me when i was moving out of my apartment. then my building maintenance guy told me someone else had taken over my lease and i was getting kicked out. woke up scared.

"blogging about insecurity and irrational fear..."

feels like this blog post is 'overcooked' or something, sorry