i think my next relationship is going to be with a moody/depressive/highly emotional guy because i want to feel like 'the calm one'
also, when walking down stairs, i think i'll trip and my shin bones will become detached from my knees and i'll be lying there with these bloody stumps
the ligament or whatever it is that holds my knee to my shin bone doesn't seem powerful enough somehow
when talking to people, i fear somehow messing up conversationally and a series of small but catastrophic events occurring, maybe resulting in the other person's eventual hatred of me
i'm pretty sure every day i mess up really badly, conversation-wise
yesterday i was talking to my new co-worker about alcohol
we had been having a really good, 20 minute conversation about other things prior to talking about alcohol
she said she has friends that drink to get wasted
i said sometimes i do that
then she said "oh"
then neither of us said anything for ~15 minutes
then i think i said something like, "i think i drink because i'd rather not be in a social situation and drinking makes it easier and more fun, like, i worry less, but, i'd rather be at home or something usually, except for maybe sometimes, i don't know"
then she said nothing
then i said, "do you think i'm an insane alcoholic with social problems"
then she kind of laughed and said no
i felt really bad
last night i had a dream that strangers kept approaching me on the street and asking me when i was moving out of my apartment. then my building maintenance guy told me someone else had taken over my lease and i was getting kicked out. woke up scared.
"blogging about insecurity and irrational fear..."
feels like this blog post is 'overcooked' or something, sorry
