1.27.2009

amaretto is so fucking sugary.

i'm cleaning out my liquor cabinet tonight.

i went to the gym at 9:30. i walked on the highest incline going 3 mph for one hour. i burned 650 calories. then i did things to stimulate "muscular toning" in my abs and thighs. i stretched. while i was on the treadmill, i read the first 70 pages of "the easter parade" by richard yates. i burn calories and read richard yates books at a similar rate.

today after class, i sat in the student center and finished "a good school" by richard yates and "introduction to evolutionary psychology" by someone named oscar. i liked both of those books. i sat for maybe three hours, finishing these books. the evolutionary psych one was for a class, and it was very easy to read, i finished it in two days. i read "a good school" for fun. it made me almost want to cry at the end, when this one main character cries. i felt sad that it was over. i think richard yates is bill grove. he is also probably several other characters, in different ways. it was a good emotional contrast to the detached, scientific tone of the evolutionary psych book.

i just read another 30 pages of "the easter parade" in the bathtub. someone who i sometimes have sex with text messaged me. i am never going to be the woman he wants, and he is never going to be the man i want, but we will probably resemble "ultimate things we want in a mate" to each other for awhile, and may continue having casual sex. i'm indifferent.

i'm bored and tired of relationships. i feel like emily grimes, a lot. a lot. a lot. except i'm not naturally "very skinny" like she is. i have to make an effort to be skinny. if i didn't monitor my food intake, i would probably be one of those "chubby art girls." i've lost almost ten pounds. i can wear a size 4 again. i feel good. today i ate: odwalla "food bar", orange, handful pistachios, five triscuits with hummus, four almonds. i drank coffee, green tea, hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, vodka lemonade, amaretto lemonade. i'm trying to drink all the shitty alcohol i have, so i can replace it with better alcohol. if i finish this amaretto, i will have zero alcohol left in my apartment. it feels hard to concentrate on one subject right now. i'm getting drunk. more drunk.

it is snowing in baltimore. snow alleviates my mood an automatic 10 percent.

i like night better than day.

i don't know if i can drink all of this, i'm starting to feel sick and dehydrated.

there are dynamics in my family and interpersonal relationships that relate 100% directly to emily grimes, in a way that almost feels eerie to me. i am afraid to see how this book ends, because i don't think it will have a happy ending, and i will probably over-identify with it.

i want to eat chinese food.

i want to wrap myself in a burrito of bedding.

i want to skip classes and work tomorrow.

i want to be quiet for 50 hours.

i want to eat ten chicken nuggets.

that is all.

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