Terius Youngdell Nash

i'm reading "the end of the story" by lydia davis. in my head vincent physically resembles someone important in my life, and the dynamic they have together is very similar to my last failed serious relationship. i relate to 97% of what lydia davis says, but i'm not sure if it's because i've actually had similar thoughts as her, or if it's because her style of writing makes me think i've had similar thoughts as her. i think a little of both. reading it gives me thoughts like, "ohhh," a-ha," and "yes, very similar to me."

i was feeding my cats cheez-its and one cat threw up a little on my leg. now he's licking his crotch.

the other night i threw up from drinking. then i felt better. then i drank a little more. i had drank four cups of wine, one gin and tonic, one "red headed slut" shot, and two beers. then i threw up. then i drank another beer. this was over the course of probably four or five hours. seeing that written down feels bad. i feel excessive. i feel compelled to say that this doesn't happen often.

that same night, a girl aggressively hit on me. i was with a group of three people. the bar was closing, so we left. outside, there was a crowd of people smoking cigarettes and standing around thinking about what was going to happen next.

there was a girl standing close to the door who was alone and had a worried look on her face, and i was drunk enough to approach her and ask if she was okay. she asked if i could walk her home, because she was "really drunk" and nervous about walking alone. she lived maybe three blocks away. the three other people i was with said we could walk her home.

we started walking and i was asking her about her job and housing arrangements or something. she answered my questions and then she started telling me i was "gorgeous" and asked if i was bi and if i wanted to hook up with her and if i thought she was pretty. i said i wasn't sure of my sexual orientation, but that she was too drunk and probably didn't mean/would regret most of the things she was saying anyway. she kept saying i was "gorgeous" and that she really wanted to "hook up" with me, and maybe said more explicit things. i'm not sure what i said to her.

someone in the group picked up on me being uncomfortable and stopped walking. then i stopped walking. then the girl stopped walking. someone said something about going to my apartment. i felt confused and probably said "well," "i mean," "i don't know," and "what do you think, what are you doing" a lot. this probably happened over a period of two minutes, but it felt like maybe ten or fifteen minutes to me. the girl wanted to come back to my apartment. i said that would be okay, but someone else had a reason why that was not okay, but i can't remember. the girl walked off and was very angry. i said, "okay bye."

i was probably 75% drunk at this point. i was drunk enough to talk to strangers but sober enough to say no to a sexual proposition.

after the girl left us, we were walking back to my apartment. we all wanted to eat something and everyone was saying what they wanted to eat. i said i wanted pizza. my friend cori also wanted pizza. a tall guy in the group said he hated pizza. i have met people who don't eat pizza because it contains cheese or sometimes meat, but i have never met a person who doesn't eat pizza because they don't like the taste. i told him this, but in a very loud voice, and probably jokingly accused him of being an alien or something, and had very exaggerated movements, and probably said "WHAAAAAAT!" and "oh my god" a lot, when he would say things he didn't like about pizza.

we were all laughing as this was going on, there were funny things being said, but i can't remember what they were, or if they even were funny, or if we were just drunk. i made some kind of physical contact with him, "play-fighting," and he pushed or nudged me, and i fell down and skinned my knee and tops of my feet and i was bleeding a lot. he came over and picked me up and apologized sincerely, but we were all laughing about this. i was laughing. i felt ridiculous and "over the top" or something, but good.

other things happened. there was a car and we got lost and were going to go to a korean place and then a diner and then i forget. we ended up at a convenience store in my old neighborhood and got falafel. the guys working there remembered me. they speak with thick middle eastern accents and sometimes i can't understand them, but i smile and shrug at them a lot, and i think we like each other. i like them, anyway.

then one person left and there were just three of us. we went up to my apartment. i think i ate all of my falafel and then felt very tired and went to sleep. it was 4 or 5 in the morning. the tall guy and my friend cori stayed awake and had a "relationship altering talk" or something.

it was a good night. other things happened. those were the most notable. my cat is now "spooning" my leg.


Tao Lin said...

liked reading that

DJ Berndt said...

That was good.

tomhanks said...

i feel good

Juliana said...

the tall guy and my friend cori stayed awake and had a "relationship altering talk" or something.


love the nonchalance. your drunk self sounds kind of like my drunk self.