school causes feelings of "i want to smoke pot until i am stupid," "i will never graduate or gain direction or become successful," and "it is overwhelming how if i become an analyst/therapist my 'professional career' will not actually exist until i am in my thirties, will i enjoy being alive that long, will the experience of constantly being in school wear down so much on my capability to enjoy other things about life that eventually the costs outweigh the benefits and there will be nothing enjoyable about being alive anymore? i don't want to die but i don't want my only reason for being alive to be 'i don't want to die.'"
the third is not actually a "feeling," it's a question i guess. the feeling that results from that question is feeling like it might be nice to curl into a fetal position, be wrapped in hospital gauze or a spider web-like material, and be carefully placed in a large, soft trunk that contains enough oxygen and resources for me to sustain life indefinitely.
why does it seem like people only stay alive until they are 80 because of a self-imposed desire to complete a self-replenishing list of tasks?
oh, i guess they also have children and grandchildren that they love. but what if i don't have children and grandchildren?
where do you have children? how do you find room in this to have children? how have we, as a species, been able to maintain the practice of other people coming out of other people's birth canals for so long? is there something wrong with me for not wanting to have another person grow inside and come out of me?
stupid stupid stupid
it is stupid to say "stupid"
i am now saying "stupid" from an objective place, like from where the word "stupid" originated, that's what i mean now
earlier i think i meant that i was stupid for having these thoughts, but it is stupid and pointless to have that thought, and then i thought "stupid" objectively, to remove me from the situation
this whole thing is stupid
i want a sandwich maybe, maybe pizza, fuck
why is this a blog post, i don't even want to talk about this being a blog post, it just is.
in class, my professor was discussing a context that involved him repeatedly using the phrase "reported rapes," and i had a strong urge to raise my hand and have a serious-concerned facial expression and say, "yes, but what about the reported grapes?" then i started laughing semi-uncontrollably (but relatively silently) in my chair and the harder i tried to stop laughing the more i felt like laughing.