i feel self conscious in school computer labs. the monitor of this computer is suspended in the air by a black lever thing, i don't know how to describe it, it is a boring thing that in 500 years will probably be in a landfill and someone will look at it and feel confused as to what we used it for, unless the monitor is still attached to it.

i finished "the easter parade" today. i ate a chicken quesadilla as i read the last 20 pages. i had to stop eating because i felt absurd, almost disrespectful to the characters or something. i felt conscious of "quesadilla," it was distracting me. i resumed eating after finishing the book. as soon as i finished the book, something changed in my stomach. i felt like it was hard to breathe for maybe two seconds. i felt overwhelmed and depressed and like life is sad and meaningless, but also the description of life in the book is extremely accurate and syncs up with a lot of my feelings towards life. since richard yates also articulated this view of life, it almost made me feel less depressed. i felt extremely depressed and not depressed at the same time, which is what i think the "overwhelming" feeling was. i like this feeling. it is comforting and inspiring. i'm conscious of saying "life" and "depressed" a lot in this paragraph.

things i have spilled on this book: coffee, water, tea, small spot of salsa, smudge of pizza. i shouldn't eat while reading. after i finished, i looked at the page which contains the ISBN and i saw that my copy is a first edition. it is hardcover. i tore the dust jacket a little bit. i had a similar experience reading "like life" by lorrie moore, i realized it was a first edition after reading it. it is also signed. i don't really care, i think, though it is exciting to imagine lorrie moore holding something that i am holding. i can explain why that's exciting to me on an emotional level (i admire her), but i can't explain why that's exciting to me on a rational/intellectual level (what purpose does it serve to hold something that someone i admire has held?). i don't care if books are first editions, but i feel like i should, because someone else might. stupid thought.

my blog posts are getting longer.

i'm aware that this is now a blog that is read by other humans, it was just me for a long time. i think i feel restrained or like i have the potential to "let down" readers or something.


i think this is too long, it might not be interesting anymore.