2.13.2010

food

whenever i smell wasabi peas i think 'brine shrimp' and feel kind of uneasy, but i still enjoy eating them.


one time i heated up v8 and pretended it was soup. it was good.


my dad and i used to go to diners when i was little and i'd always get a new york strip steak, because of the word 'strip.' i thought i was being 'bad' because it contained a word that was also in 'strip clubs,' like, probably strippers ate a lot of strip steak.


a former roommate of mine liked to dip pork rinds in hummus.


i once caught another former roommate of mine eating clorox. she was really embarrassed about it, but told me she always eats a little bit of it when she uses it, because she likes the smell. i thought it was cute/endearing.


i've been eating oatmeal that 'expired' in august '09, seems okay though.


from october 2003 - january 2004 i probably consumed the most calories per day in my entire life. i was really depressed. mostly i ate chicken strips/fries from this place in philadelphia across from my apartment, then when i moved back to maryland i think i had mcdonald's/wendy's 3-4 times a week. gained 30 pounds (then lost it).


i have 4 different kinds of mustard in my refrigerator.


i bought dulse awhile ago and i'm afraid of it.


i drank coconut water once and it reminded me of semen.


cilantro is my favorite herb/spice. it makes me nervous to chew mint or other leafy herbs. it feels dangerous.


i have licked chocolate syrup off of a penis.

a few nights ago, i was very drunk and started eating this olive hummus with 'pretzel crisps.' as i ate, i watched the last 10 minutes of 'the other boelyn girl' on hbo or something. i keep trying to eat the hummus/chips again but every time i eat one, i have a mental picture of natalie portman looking sad before her head gets cut off, which doesn't really bother me, but it's not what usually happens when i eat hummus/chips, so i feel kind of disoriented.


i've eaten an entire jar of pickles in one sitting.


i used to eat ketchup packets from fast food places. i still do sometimes. like, suck on them, gradually.


kind of can't believe sprite is a soda, like, how is that a successful soda? it seems so much less 'hard' than cola or fruit flavored sodas. i like it, though.


i probably consume, on average, anywhere from 800-1400 calories per day.


if i had to have sex with any food, penis-shaped things aside, it would probably be rice noodles. like, with no sauce. the texture is kind of 'sexy,' i think.

24 comments:

Jordan Castro said...

sweet post / lol...

Anonymous said...

too cute. funny, but too cute

tomhanks said...

hi jordan, sweet/thanks

hi eli, thanks for your 111 hits

Jess said...

Eating Clorox won't kill you? EXPLAIN!

tomhanks said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tomhanks said...

hi jess. she just ate a little bit, like, licked her finger then put it in the clorox dust, then licked whatever was on her finger. more like 'licking' than 'eating,' really, i guess... 'ingesting'...

Anonymous said...

112. damn, how do you know?

Ben Rosamond said...

does chocolate syrup taste different when eaten via phallus

matthew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
matthew said...

enjoyed reading these facts

calories per day, seems low

800 seems 'undernourished'

like more than two-thirds of the space in your refrigerator is filled with the word

'undernourished'

in times new roman bold

hyperlinked to an excel spreadsheet

re roommate 'licking' clorox due to irresistible smell, dang

DJ Berndt said...

This is a great post.

henry miller said...

sometimes i just want to eat everything in sight, i am a total emotional eater and i get really depressed about eating/not eating. a lot of my day is compromised of eating/not eating/thinking about what i'll eat next. i hate myself.

Olivia Tejeda said...

Sometimes I like to eat your words. But I don't just want to eat them, I want to devour them, fast and sloppy, and leave them dripping off my cheeks and chin. But after I've gobbled them all up, I want to purge so that I can eat them all up again. They're that good and it's been too long since I've been without.

michael said...

every time i read this i picture a faceless mouth / tongue dramatically licking a penis with chocolate syrup on it but it always becomes a banana with chocolate syrup and i think the faceless mouth/ tongue disappears

Tao Lin said...

going to an expensive buffet tonight

tomhanks said...

hi ben, it smelled like a penis/crotch which i think had an effect on the taste, but not a negative effect

hi matthew, sometimes i just eat one really big meal, amounting to ~800 calories. excel spreadsheet, interesting, haha

hi dj, i'm glad you think so

hi henry miller, i have similar thoughts most of the time.

hi olivia, damn, very intense image. thanks :). do you remember saying at work one time, "one day we're all going to be in different places doing different things" (something like that)? i keep thinking about that. i miss you a lot.

hi michael, haha, nice

hi tao, sounds good, i hope you ate a lot

オテモヤン said...

オナニー
逆援助
SEX
フェラチオ
ソープ
逆援助
出張ホスト
手コキ
おっぱい
フェラチオ
中出し
セックス
デリヘル
包茎
逆援
性欲

Anonymous said...

ummm. i think your f-ing hilarious.

ellie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tomhanks said...

hi ellie

i lost the weight mostly by replacing eating mostly fried/fatty foods in large quantities with eating healthier foods only when i felt hungry

i was motivated by not wanting to hate my body anymore

i remember eating the 'veggie delite' from subway a lot

also i started exercising moderately for 30-60 minutes 3x a week

it took ~6 months

ryan manning said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

There is only one appropriate response:

I don't mind stealing bread
From the mouths of decadence
But I can't feed on the powerless
When my cup's already overfilled,
But it's on the table
The fire is cooking
And they're farming babies
While slaves are working
Blood is on the table
And the mouths are choking
But I'm growing hungry

Love,
Chelsea

tomhanks said...

chelsea...

dawg

Brian McElmurry said...

Awesome and entertaining