2.01.2010

i have over 100 drafts of blog posts and only 46 actual blog posts, haha

i think my next relationship is going to be with a moody/depressive/highly emotional guy because i want to feel like 'the calm one'

lately, when driving, i have mental pictures of somehow making a small mistake and my car spinning out of control, then i get impaled by an oncoming car

also, when walking down stairs, i think i'll trip and my shin bones will become detached from my knees and i'll be lying there with these bloody stumps

the ligament or whatever it is that holds my knee to my shin bone doesn't seem powerful enough somehow

when talking to people, i fear somehow messing up conversationally and a series of small but catastrophic events occurring, maybe resulting in the other person's eventual hatred of me

i'm pretty sure every day i mess up really badly, conversation-wise

yesterday i was talking to my new co-worker about alcohol

we had been having a really good, 20 minute conversation about other things prior to talking about alcohol

she said she has friends that drink to get wasted

i said sometimes i do that

then she said "oh"

then neither of us said anything for ~15 minutes

then i think i said something like, "i think i drink because i'd rather not be in a social situation and drinking makes it easier and more fun, like, i worry less, but, i'd rather be at home or something usually, except for maybe sometimes, i don't know"

then she said nothing

then i said, "do you think i'm an insane alcoholic with social problems"

then she kind of laughed and said no

i felt really bad

last night i had a dream that strangers kept approaching me on the street and asking me when i was moving out of my apartment. then my building maintenance guy told me someone else had taken over my lease and i was getting kicked out. woke up scared.

"blogging about insecurity and irrational fear..."

feels like this blog post is 'overcooked' or something, sorry

10 comments:

Ben Rosamond said...

nice

matthew said...

seems like involuntary / immediate concrete images should be symptomatic of cognitive well-being or something, like they make up the normal respiration of apprehension => reaction, even if macabre

but you also have premonitions of abstract qualities like 'messing up conversationally' and 'eventual hatred' so i don't know maybe you are doomed

i laughed at 'insane alcoholic with social problems', seems like something i am unduly concerned with when i drink

i like your blog, i hope you 'publish' more 'drafts'

Anonymous said...

i fantasize wearily about quitting my job like 1/2 the day. but then i just see myself not being able to pay rent.

miles ross said...

got home today, didn't know what to do, spent an hour typing an email

response came in like ten minutes

made grilled cheese, things didn't change

went into my room, turned off the lights

typed things, it was 430

tomhanks said...

hi ben, sweet

hi matthew, i read your comment thinking "matthew seems hella perceptive," cool

hi anonymous, i understand that...

hi miles, sounds good, kind of want a grilled cheese now

ryan manning said...

the pictures of you in your underwear

i miss

tomhanks said...

hi ryan, i forgot that i deleted them.

ryan manning said...

you deleted a lot

Anonymous said...

Are you in a relationship now? If not, are you looking for one? I had wanted to ask you out before, but didn't know if you were spoken for.

~a secret admirer :)

Juliana said...

This is fucking awesome. I alienate co-workers that way ALL the time.