4.05.2010

this feels really self-indulgent but i guess the nature of blogging is kind of self-indulgent so it's okay i guess...

whenever i'm at a stop sign or red light i feel like people are staring at me

also when i walk down the street, i'm pretty much constantly worried about people staring at me, though i'm not sure what would be bad about that

i have so many unpublished blog posts

would people be interested in a chapbook of my unpublished blog posts? it would be cheap, like, $3 probably

feeling nervous about asking that... maybe forget i asked that, i don't know

last night i slept over at my mom's apartment

i woke up at 5 a.m. and ate food that made my mouth feel weird/sticky and couldn't fall asleep again

this morning she got a package of 'make your neck smaller' cream from the home shopping network

she laughed kind of hysterically to herself while she put it on, sitting on the couch

i think she asked me questions while she was putting it on, or maybe she just talked to herself

shortly after that i left

'shortly'

...

whenever i come back to my apartment i feel very alone, but not sad. sometimes sad, i guess. i don't think i ever feel 'fulfilled'

there have been many days in the past 1.5 years where i just sit in different places in my apartment and have minimal thoughts, or maybe worried thoughts, or maybe just thoughts like 'i want to eat (this),' or envisioning successful conversations i'll have someday

seems like i'm constantly worried that i'm making bad decisions without being aware of it, that i will continue to do that and maybe grow old 'emily grimes style'

i had to do a reading for a class i'm in and some people said i seemed 'endearingly shy.' that made me feel good/continues to make me feel good, but writing it down right now makes me feel retarded

most of the time i think i want to be lying down, listening to quiet noises


i wrote this blog post without editing it or anything, except to write 'i wrote this blog post without editing it or anything'

17 comments:

Jordan Castro said...

i would purchase a chapbook of your unpublished blog posts

brittany wallace said...

me too

DJ Berndt said...

I would also purchase that chapbook.

matthew said...

damn re 'minimal thoughts'

put myself lying down many functionless / unornamented places in my apartment and have thoughts a lot that

'my thoughts aren't going anywhere'

and

'i'm not thinking about anything'

and

'how long can i exhale for, can i use advanced breathing techniques to exhale forever possibly'

or whatever and push my face onto things and into things and worry about my face

want that chapbook too

henry miller said...

k like so i made a wordpress bc it is more professional than blogspot like what do you think of this

michael said...

feel psyched that you have a new blogpost

don't currently have time to read it

look forward to reading it

'left the farm (delaware), drove to the coast (via new jersey), driving to new york (leaving in 10 minutes), currently in a diner in summersville, new jersey, sweet'

sweet

ok sorry

michael said...

somers point i mean

who cares

meggie said...

i really identify with the things you think about when you're alone in your apartment.

Sarah Schneider said...

can i buy a chapbook

ryan manning said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tao Lin said...

sup

Ben Rosamond said...

did the neck thinning cream work?

tomhanks said...

hi jordan, brittany, dj, matthew, sarah: sweet, yes. thank you. i'm working on it, when i'm done with finals i think something will happen. thanks guys.

matthew, i enjoyed reading your comment

henry miller: i think i feel indifferent about wordpress... like, maybe people with food blogs use wordpress. i like yours, i forget when/how i read it but i want to read it more

michael: what up son

meggie: sweet, i'm glad

ryan: 8======D~~~

tao: nm, just chillin

ben: not that i can see, really

all: i just realized how old this post was/comment reply delay is really bad. i feel bad, sorry

Anonymous said...

oh, so this is why your livejournal is defunct.

i'd missed your writing, and now i don't have to.

Anonymous said...

are you still a writer?

'The ghost with the most' said...

killin the game

lauren said...

i'd buy a chapbook fo sho. your writing is refreshing... and thus addictive, damn you